8 Fucks I Refuse To Give Anymore
I spend all day obsessing over things that are so completely stupid and not at all worth a millisecond of thought. It is exhausting always worrying about things that should not matter. In the end I am left paralyzed and unable to move forward. What I wouldn't give to not give a fuck anymore.
Inspired by an article I read on Medium.com, I have come up with my own "fuck it" list.
My fuck it list:
Facebook, what have you done for me lately? Nothing. Recently I began feeling dejected each time I posted something on FaceBook and none of my "friends" liked or commented on it. For the life of me, I can not understand why I so desperately need the approval of these people. Why do I need these so-called friends to care about what I say and do? My birthday was March 1st and I found myself debating if I should cancel my account before my birthday or wait until after. Because if I delete my Facebook account before my birthday, no one will remember my special day. I deleted my account on February 26th. Turns out, I have a lot of people directly in my life who care about my work and my existence and they all sent me delightful birthday wishes by phone and email. More importantly, since ridding Facebook from my life, over the past few days I have been significantly more productively.
2. That guy I've been crushing on
I like you, you obviously don't like me. I may not have verbally told you this (though I believe I did), but I think they fact that I spent six hours painting a picture of a gorgeous sunset as a going away gift, should have clued you in. The oil paint had not even dried yet when I went out of my way to have the picture framed. I rushed to catch a last Express train just give it to you because I knew I would not see you again for a long time. Only to have you leave this oil painting in a pile of non-important items under your desk at work. So lets stop pretending to be friends. The truth is that I would totally be okay with being your friend. But you are an asshole because you call me your friend and yet you treat me like an outsider. So do me a favor and don't Skype me when you're bored or ping me to complain about work.
I am certainly not the funniest person to come out of The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and I hope I am not the worst comedian. It is so hard for me to imagine my life not performing. The problem is that I don't perform enough. My reason for not performing as often as I should is because I have so much fear that what I am doing won't be good. Like most people, I compare myself to the processionals. I want to be on their level and of course since I am not, I easily am discouraged. So I have to say fuck it to fear. You can tag along if you like, but I am making the decision to not give up anymore. Misery loves company and I imagine at some point you'll abandon this ship and find someone else to torment.
4. Forcing a frown
As long as I can remember people, I have always been complimented on my smile. On a regular basis, random people tell me I have a beautiful smile, but too many times for me to feel very uncomfortable, those kind words have come from creepy old men. So I don't smile as much anymore. In fact, I purposely make myself unapproachable. Forcing a frown has taken a toll on me though. I'm older and wiser now. I think I can handle the weirdos of New York City. So I'm going back to smiling. K? Thanks. Bye.
I am not sure if something traumatic happened to me as a child, but at a very young age I created this person in my mind. She is beautiful, she fell in love with her high school sweetheart. They have a son together now. She suffers from insomnia and so most nights are spent playing the piano. Thus enabling her to become one of the greatest pianist of our time. She is also dancer with an amazing voice who dreamt of being a broadway star, but ended up being a musical rock star instead. The saddest part about this person I made up is that she is the version of me that I have always daydreamed of being. Over the past several months I have been able to make her go away. But every now and then, she resurfaces. I may need psychological help… But for now, I am just going to refuse to care and think about this perfect imaginary person.
6. Focusing on one thing
There is nothing I enjoy more than performing on stage. This includes acting, dancing, and playing my guitar. I am also naturally gifted in fine art. I love taking photographs and I've been told I am a pretty decent writer. There is a lot of content claiming that in order to find success, we need to focus on one thing. I've attempted to focus on just one thing, but I always end up depressed. I am in the process of writing a one person show that incorporates all of these skills. We'll see how that goes.
7. Fitting in
Being an artist means I have to accept that I am different. It is extremely difficult to be confident in myself when I am supposed to be the only one like me. I never know if I am doing the right thing, so I choose to do what everyone else is doing. I choose to do the same thing. I choose to fit in. Like the British psychology professor Martin Hagger said, "No one will believe in you, unless you do….We are supposed to be different and when people look at us, believe in yourself."
8. Leo still has no Oscar
Despite the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio did not win an Academy Award last night for his insane performance in "The Wolf On Wall Street", we all agree that he is incredibly talented. So who the fuck cares if he does not have a golden baldheaded naked man statue to place on his bookshelf. Just keep, doing your thing, Leo!
I encourage anyone reading this to create your own "fuck it" list. This has been kind of liberating for me.